My boss' voice literally gives me gas
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
