Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
