your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
