We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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