Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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