I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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