I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
