I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
where are my eyebrows?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
