my phone needs a breathalizer
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
