I like to think it a success when the cops are called
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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