I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
