Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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