Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
