i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to sanitize my soul.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
