i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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