I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
