Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
PANTIES FOUND
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
