is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
