i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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