hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Randomize
