I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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