dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
