If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
