I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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