is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
