i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
