They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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