Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
