I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
