The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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