I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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