So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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