Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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