Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
