Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
