Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
