i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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