I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
