i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We're too hungover to prance.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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