i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
