You just made me feel so damn special
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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