Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
