could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
