You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
