We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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