I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
