tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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