she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
