omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
two words...techno handjob
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
