Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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