frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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