Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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