I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
