Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
